A Tender Yearning
by Artemis1000
Summary: Kylo Ren could be content with his life, but he wants more than stolen moments of rough, violent sex with Hux. He wants tenderness and love, he wants to stop pushing Hux away. Only, how can he still call himself a Dark Side user if he shows vulnerability? It can't be. It won't do. And it's not like Hux would want more, right? But something's gotta give, or he will surely go mad.
1. Chapter 1: Hold On

Summary: Kylo Ren could be content with his life. He has finally given in to his desire for Hux, and found it returned. But he wants more than the stolen moments of rough, violent sex he permits them. He wants tenderness and love, he wants to stop pushing Hux away. Only, how can he still call himself a Dark Side user if he shows vulnerability? It can't be. It won't do. And it's not like Hux would even want him. Right? He's trying to hold himself together, but this status quo won't hold. Something's gotta give, or he will surely go mad. Kink meme fill.

Author's Notes: Warning for rough and possibly violent sex, otherwise this fic might just drown you in Kylo angsting  
Written for tfa-kink, to the wonderful prompt: _Hux/Kylo, identity crisis during sex. Kylo has ideas about what it means to have sex when practicing the dark side. He thinks it has to be brutal, angry, painful-sex that leaves him even darker than before. But with Hux, he doesn't want that. He just wants to be kissed and held and loved...but he doesn't know how to do that while still drawing his power from the dark side. Much angst ensues.  
Smuttier chapters will be cut on FF Net, you will be able to read the uncensored version on AO3.  
_

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 **A Tender Yearning**

 **Chapter 1: Hold On**

Their gasps and moans mingled, ever faster, louder, more desperate until Hux tried to slip a hand between the sheets and his own body to stroke himself to completion.

With a growl, Kylo snatched his wrists in an iron grip and slammed them down on the mattress above Hux's head. "I didn't say you could!" Hux's spine arched underneath him as he tried to buck him off in indignation, curses spewing from his lips. Kylo's retaliation came hard and fast with a bite on his shoulder that fell just short of drawing blood, though it failed to silence him.

The Dark Side burned hot within him, fed by a desire that was so much more than lust. He needed to possess, to mark, to brand himself so deep into Hux's very bones that he would never be able to shake him.

Orgasm hit them hard and fast, Hux's drawing Kylo's along when his muscles clenched around him and yanked him over the edge.

They rode it out and then they laid there, utterly motionless except for the heaving of their chests with every gasp for air. Underneath him Kylo could feel Hux trembling from exhaustion. Kylo could feel the minute shifts of his body, pressed into the mattress by Kylo's own weight. Their sweat-slick bodies exuded heat, though nothing burned hotter than the intimacy where their bodies remained joined. Even now that he was softening within him, Hux was still incredibly hot and tight around him.

While he remained still otherwise, Kylo released Hux's wrists. He clenched sweaty hands that ached from the strength of his hold on Hux's wrists, revealing new finger-shaped bruises. He was always careful to grip him so high on his forearms that all marks would certainly be covered by his uniform sleeves.

Emotion flickered over his face, he closed his eyes against the sight of the stark bruises scattered on Hux's pale skin and swallowed hard, grateful only that Hux couldn't see the conflict showing so openly on his face. His breath sped up again with something bordering panic. This was why he preferred to hide behind the mask. He'd never been any good at hiding his emotions when it mattered most.

"Ren?"

Kylo nearly winced. Hux sounded almost as uncertain as he felt. Their intimate closeness was suddenly more than he could bear, making Kylo jerk away as if burned. Hux hissed with pain as he roughly pulled out of him and that did it, Kylo did winced this time. "Hux, are you…"

He snapped his mouth shut and stomped to the far end of his quarters, uncaring of his nakedness, or his state of disarray, of everything. The only thing that mattered was the weakness burning inside him.

Concern.

And still, even after they had torn into another like rabid dogs, this damnable longing for some intangible more.

He peered over his shoulder, face twisted into a scowl just in case Hux would be looking. But of course the General wasn't, he was methodically collecting his clothes as if he had already moved on. A strand of hair fell into his eyes as he leaned down to grab a sock. Dishevelled and sweat-slick, still exhausted from sex, he looked softer, and far more attainable than under any other circumstances.

Kylo bit down on his bottom lip to stifle an agonized groan. His heart ached with the desire to walk over and brush that errant strand out of his eyes. He could vividly picture himself, just like had pictured it so often both awake and in his dreams. That one day he would have the courage to return to his side after he had fled, that he would run his fingers through Hux's hair without the excuse of yanking on it, that he could kiss him for no other reason than because he wanted another taste of his sweet kisses.

Kylo clenched his hands into fists.

His eyes found the molten helmet. Deep in his bones he could feel the wordless accusation it exuded.

"Next time, don't be so weak," Kylo growled, "and now get out."

There came a heavy sigh from the bed. "Ren…"

Kylo turned around, finding him mostly dressed, but still so tantalizingly dishevelled. He must have been in the process of buttoning his shirt, but now he was looking at Kylo with a conflicted expression which was impossible to read.

Hux stood up in a motion that was graceful and fluid even though Kylo knew for a fact he had to be in pain. They had been anything but gentle. He sighed again, it sounded very disgruntled this time. "Look, Ren…"

"No." Kylo snatched up his outer robe and hastily wrapped himself in it, he didn't like feeling so vulnerable, utterly naked while Hux already looked the part of the General again. "No," he ground out between clenched teeth, "I won't look and I won't listen… I told you to get out of here!" His voice grew louder and harsher with every word as the fury that simmered only ever barely beneath the surface rose up in him. He embraced it, submerged himself in it.

Maybe this wretched yearning would cease if he drowned it in fury.

Kylo's eyes hardened. "We fucked. We're done. Now get out." His fingers twitched, calling his lightsaber to him from where it had been discarded when Hux smashed his hand against the wall and made him release it. Kylo clenched his teeth at the memory. Hux was becoming far too cocky. Somehow he had gotten into his head that Kylo would never hurt him.

Unfortunately, he was right.

"I take it you're going to swing your sword at me if I don't?" Hux inquired archly. Oh yes, he was already every bit the General again. "Spare me your childishness." He smoothed his hair back, the last step to looking like himself again. "I don't know what you're expecting, but I wouldn't stay and deal with your histrionics if you paid me."

Kylo waited for the _but_ he could sense hanging in the air, yet Hux remained silent. He did the same, and so they just stood there, glowering at another with barely restrained hostility.

All he had wanted was to fall asleep in Hux's arms, and here they were again, just one small step from violence.

Hux shook his head and breezed out of the room without another word.

Kylo kept gazing at the door long after Hux had disappeared through it. He felt strangely disappointed by his anticlimactic departure, and indeed very childish.

He sank down onto the edge of the bed, face buried in his hands.

It had been a sound plan within the confines of his own mind.

He had figured he could let himself have Hux, could twist this weakness, this pull towards Lighter, gentler yearnings into something which would fuel his anger. As long as being with Hux fed the Dark Side within him he could permit himself this sole indulgence.

That had been the plan. No plan ever survived the first encounter with the enemy.

It wasn't enough. Violent fights followed by more violent fucks were satisfying in their own way, but they were never enough. Sating his carnal desires only left him more aware of the hunger that remained unquenched.

Kylo trailed his fingers over the fading yellow bruises marking his thighs and hips. There was no saying who would come out on top of their struggles. It was one of the things he liked best about being with Hux. For all that their strengths were very different, they were equals. The unpredictability of their encounters had kept him coming back for more even before he admitted to more tender feelings. The only thing certain was that Kylo would be alone in the end.

He had thought Hux would feed his darkness, but nowadays the only strength in the Dark Side gained was spawned by the frustration of denying himself what he truly wanted. And yet he couldn't stop; to have Hux's body and his hostility was better than to have nothing at all.

He got up from the bed and dressed quickly, driven by disgust at his own maudlin thoughts and the weakness they signified. It was time to lose himself in the practiced movements of lightsaber training. Unlike his own emotions this, at least, Kylo Ren could control.

to be continued...


	2. Chapter 2: That's Childish

This chapter: Hux witnesses Kylo's rampant destruction, and fails at being a good evil space boyfriend.

Author's note: Here in chapter two, we get a peek into Hux's view on their affair. First time writing Hux for me, so please tell me what you think.

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 **A Tender Yearning**  
 **Chapter 2: That's Childish**

The door to the _Finalizer's_ bridge opened, revealing a junior officer with a very distinct expression of alarmed discomfort which General Hux knew all too well.

He stifled a groan of dismay, as well as the very unprofessional desire to claim some extremely important prior appointment, such as watching paint dry. "Don't tell me," he said before the young woman could so much as open her mouth, "it's Lord Ren." He didn't even bother keeping the scorn out of his voice. Lord. Hah. Lord of what was that again? Temper tantrums and wanton destruction of public property?

The dark-skinned young woman nodded. To her credit, she managed to stand at parade rest even while looking as if she had been visited upon by some monster from the deep. "Yes, sir, General Hux, sir; Lord Ren is…" She faltered then, and blinked owlishly before she caught herself. "He's feeling indisposed in astrometrics lab three, sir."

For all that the situation was no laughing matter, Hux's lips twitched. "Indisposed," he marveled, "that's a new one."

He graciously ignored the snorts from his bridge crew. He would not stand for them openly disrespecting Ren, but Hux firmly believed that people brought about their own misfortune, and that was certainly the case for Ren and his problems with the crew.

Once the snickers ceased, Hux's attention returned to the junior officer. He vaguely recognized her as one of their science officers. "I suppose you would like me to stop him before he destroys your workplace."

The officer's heels clicked together as she stood even straighter. Even on her darker skin her blush was impossible to miss. "It would be appreciated, sir."

He snorted, muttering a, "carry on," to his XO and made a beeline for the labs which just so happened to be important to their navigators.

* * *

"Are you aware that this ship, besides being your personal pleasure barge, also happens to be performing a variety of tasks important to the First Order?" Hux snapped as he breezed into the stellar cartography lab.

Several consoles were sparking, and the very expensive holoprojector, the finest on the Finalizer, made ominous noises no technical gadget should ever make. It probably had something to do with it being cleaved in two.

He aimed his best glare at the black ball of fury now hacking away at a cartographer's console.

"One of them happens to be constantly updating and adding to our star charts so we won't fly into an expanse of rubble, or a black hole, not that this would be of any concern to you seeing as how have all the effects of one on my sanity and the orderly conduct on my ship."

Kylo Ren finally turned around, and though he wore a mask, Hux was certain he was glaring back. He was still holding the lightsaber raised in an attack position, as if he was about to launch himself at him.

Something not quite, but very close to fear curled low in Hux's belly as he observed the sputtering red blade, and the damage it had already wrought. It was wariness, he decided, which happened to be a perfectly sensible response to Kylo Ren's violent histrionics. It had nothing to do with curiosity, or concern even, for whatever miniscule annoyance had unleashed his hair-trigger temper this time.

Ren was panting as if he had run a mile a minute. "Get out!" he bellowed, and stabbed the saber in his direction. "Get out of here before I…!"

Before.

Yes, before what?

Hux's lips thinned, though his regard never wavered.

It was a far too familiar situation. Kylo would be sent into a fit by something or other, Hux would try to calm him down and only serve to anger him further, and then… Well, it could go two ways then. He wasn't quite sure yet if one was truly better than the other.

He placed his hands on the backrest of an abandoned chair. "No."

Ren made some noise at the back of his throat, and call him crazy, but it sounded more pained than angry. For what had to be thousandth time, Hux wished Kylo weren't wearing this damned mask. For all that he mocked its ridiculousness, it actually served its purpose far too well.

"I'm not going to stand by while you keep wrecking my ship," he clarified. It wouldn't do to show any affection outside the carefully established… No, it wouldn't do to show any ever. Ren threw every moment of weakness back in his face eventually, even if he didn't do so until they were finished. But to do it outside their boundaries would be downright unforgivable.

"I'm not wrecking your ship," Kylo snapped; somehow the sulkiness that had suddenly overtaken his mood could be heard even through the ridiculous vocalizer he used, "it's just one lab."

A muscle in Hux's jaw twitched, that kind of excuse would have gotten anyone else sent to Captain Phasma for extra target training – with them as target, mind you. But just as soon as Kylo had gone from angry to pouting, he could careen back into a rage more destructive than before. Hux had seen it happen before.

His hands tightened around the backrest of the chair, knuckles turning white underneath his leather gloves.

Many of his officers believed that he made a sport of antagonizing Kylo Ren, but that wasn't strictly true. He liked to irritate him, to be sure, he enjoyed the banter and savored the well-hidden power struggles they indulged in behind closed doors. But he didn't like to see him reduced to this madness which was closer to self-destructive than just plain destructive. He didn't want him to be demeaned to less than he was, and so much less than he could be. Nobody who had ever seen him in battle, or witnessed the wonders he worked in the interrogation room, could want to see him so forlorn.

But there was nothing he could do about it. Kylo Ren wouldn't let him, and even if he would, Hux had no delusions about his own social skills. Offering comfort had never been among them.

"And now that you have reached your quota of childish embarrassments for the day, I suggest you return to your room and _think on what you have done_ , like the giant lightsaber-swinging toddler you are." Hux added a pointed look of pure scorn.

Ren twitched, for long moments the only thing that could be heard was his heavy breathing, amplified by the vocalizer.

Hux tensed in anticipation of machinery tearing itself apart in a display of pure aimless Force power.

Ren's saber deactivated. The hilt remained clutched in his hand, his own grip on it as hard as Hux's on the chair. "Is that what you think of me?" he asked. His voice was as soft as the mechanic distortion would permit it to be. He still hadn't moved. "Am I a mere misbehaving child to you?"

Obviously not, was Hux's first thought as his mind supplied him with memories of the very adult acts they had indulged in. But that would have been the easy answer.

Did he think of him as childish, as in any way lesser? Beneath him? Foolish even? The answer should have been an easy, straightforward yes. The testament of Kylo Ren's shortcomings surrounded them. But there was so much more to him than being torn apart by some internal, mystical conflict Hux didn't understand. Even that, he sometimes wished to understand, had on the tip of his tongue a demand for explanations which he never voiced.

He made an attempt to straighten his shoulders, as if he didn't already stand perfectly straight like the good soldier he was. "Right now you are about as useful as one to me."

The silence returned. This time, it wasn't even broken by the crackle of Ren's saber.

Kylo's shoulders slumped. "I see. That's how it's going to be."

Hux gaped. That… was new. Kylo would fly into a destructive rage, or an aroused rage, but he would never sound so defeated, as if some deep-set suspicion had just been confirmed. He scowled. Hux didn't appreciate deviations from his routine. "What are you blathering…"

Kylo exploded into motion, and he braced himself to be grabbed, hauled, even punched or choked, but the tall black figure swooped right past him in a cloud of angrily fluttering robes.

The door closed behind him before Hux had so much as managed to think of a single thing to say. It was his turn to feel like he had been chastised.

An hour later, he was informed that Ren's quarters were in dire need of repair. Hux failed to be surprised, but for reasons he refused to examine, he felt a twinge of guilt.

To be continued…


	3. Chapter 3: Two Steps Back

I'm sorry this chapter took forever and a day. I had it mostly written, then I fell back out of fanfic writing for a while. Hopefully chapter four won't take as long!

Chapter Summary: Kylo tries to break the cycle. Hux doesn't care - or does he?

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 ****

 **A Tender Yearning  
Chapter 3: Two Steps Back**

With the repair crews at work in his quarters, Kylo Ren had been driven to his favorite training room until Captain Phasma threatened to shoot him. While he would lay claim to rooms booked by others as he pleased, he made a point only to drive her up the walls to a certain point. If anyone found a way to shoot him despite all his skills to stop blaster shots in mid-air, it would be Phasma. Mind you, he preferred to think of it as respecting her hard work and dedication to the First Order.

Only, none of that explained how he found himself in General Hux's quarters on the very same day he had decided that even a Resistance holding cell would be preferable to the General's company.

But here he was, sitting on Hux's chair at Hux's desk and reading Hux's confidential reports just so he could hold on to some vague pretense that he was here to torment him.

Instead, Kylo strongly suspected he was here to torment himself.

What other reason could he have to seek out Hux after the man had been so callous to him in the astrometrics lab?

Kylo scowled behind the mask. Not that he _cared_. It didn't matter that Hux hadn't even wondered why. It was just like him to assume Kylo did it for no other reason than to spite him.

Hux looked like he was in a bad mood when he finally entered his quarters, two hours after his shift should have ended. His face only soured further when he found the lights lit in his quarters, and Kylo at his desk.

If he'd had more of his father, and less of his mother in him, Kylo would have waved.

"You…" he growled.

Kylo arched his brows in mock innocence, only to realize too late that the gesture would be lost as he still wore his mask. "I what?" he asked, quickly taking off the mask and dumping it on the table.

"My door was locked," Hux sputtered weakly.

"I know. It took me longer this time to hack it. You might be on to something with the new algorithm."

That sent the General into another round of sputtering. Kylo couldn't help feeling some grim satisfaction. It was nice to be the one coldly in control for once. Maybe, he thought bitterly, it would do Hux some good to taste his own medicine.

"My door," Hux growled as he stalked to the desk, and jabbed his finger on the power button to turn off the console, "was locked."

Kylo felt himself stiffen at Hux's proximity. Cold, barely restrained anger was radiating off him in waves. He wanted to run his hands over the painfully taut muscles and see if he could make them quiver under his touch. "And I locked it behind me once I was inside."

Hux sputtered, growled, when he grabbed his wrist his grip was so tight that the delicate bones ground together.

Kylo released his pain into the Force and repeated the raised eyebrow, this time without a mask. "Is there a problem, General?"

His wrist was abruptly released, and Hux took a step away from him. Kylo forced down a pang of hurt at how quickly Hux moved, and how he wiped his hand against his trouser leg as if he had touched something diseased. "None besides you, such as usual." He could easily read Hux's struggle to regain control of his temper, a struggle in which Kylo delighted for its sheer karmic value. He found himself somewhat disappointed when Hux's face returned to the blank mask he knew well. "What do you want? If you're looking for more equipment to destroy, astrometics…"

"I'm not," Kylo interrupted abruptly. He'd thought he had the patience for games. Turned out he didn't.

He stood up, for Hux towering over him simply wouldn't do. You couldn't give him an inch. "Do you think you can get away with treating me as you had in the lab?" he asked bluntly. His hands, still gloved, curled into fists. "Do you think I'm one of your Stormtroopers to be ordered around?" He crossed the step of distance Hux had brought between them, delighting in the tension that sprung up in him, the effort it took him to keep from backing away again. They were both proud. He liked that about Hux. "Do you think," his voice hitched, "you can treat _me_ like that?"

He had to admit it now. It had hurt. There was _being professional in a workplace environment_ , which Hux always nattered on about, and then there was being a stranger. Today, Hux had definitely erred on the side of stranger. He could have not made it any clearer that whatever hopes Kylo might have for them, they were foolish and misplaced.

Even worse, Hux was looking at him as if he were speaking Shyriiwook.

"I have no idea what you are speaking of, Ren, but I suggest you do it elsewhere." The General went on to tug off his gloves and hat, thoroughly acting as if Kylo had already left.

There was an odd tightness in Kylo's throat – not tears, but some hurt emotion he didn't dare examine too closely. For once, he felt distinctly at a loss. He could rage at Hux's blatant dismissal, but then Hux would only be confirmed in his opinion that Kylo was childish and beneath him. Then he would never look at him with affection instead of scorn.

Not for the first time Kylo wondered if it was time to admit defeat gracefully.

Hux turned back towards him, gaze still cold as it roamed over him. Kylo wanted to believe there lurked something else at the edges of this coldness. "You're still here."

Kylo nodded tentatively. "You never asked me why," he blurted out before he could remind himself he didn't care, and halt his tongue.

"I never…" Hux sighed in exasperation. "I never asked what, Ren? I have been on duty since 0500 hours, I don't have the patience to play guessing games."

Kylo sank back into the chair behind Hux's desk. "You didn't ask why I got upset in astrometrics," he said quietly, looking down at the desk. It felt too petty, whiny even, now that he was forced to point out what Hux should have noticed himself. Childish, again. But he hadn't noticed. He never did.

Hux remained perfectly silent for long moments, long enough that Kylo wondered if he'd gone back to ignoring him. Footsteps approached, and Hux leaned against the desk. His arms were crossed in front of his chest. He still looked painfully unapproachable. "I never ask about the reasons for your tantrums, Ren," he said, voice calm, but strained with some effort. He had to be struggling hard to remain patient.

That was the problem.

Hux assumed. He thought he'd had Kylo figured out the day he first met him, and no matter what had happened since, Kylo felt like Hux had never bothered to revise his abysmally low opinion. Not even when they became… Not lovers, certainly. Rivals with benefits, maybe.

Sometimes Kylo wondered how he could ever hope to win this man's love when he couldn't even be bothered to look for the man beneath the mask. Most of the time he tried not to think too closely on the sheer impossibility of his desires.

Kylo stood up abruptly. "I don't want to be here any longer."

"But… I thought…"

For once it was Hux floundering, and Kylo felt some measure of satisfaction.

He was breaking the cycle. They would aggravate another, and then they would fuck, or they would fight and then fuck.

Maybe he had come here counting on angry sex he could drown his hurt in, but right now he just wanted to get away from Hux and his apathy. Being alone might be less lonely.

He didn't halt till he was at the door, and then he only paused long enough to say, "for your information, the new lead on Skywalker was a bust. You'll be happy to hear the Supreme Leader has already punished me."

The door closed behind him before Hux could say anything. Kylo preferred it this way. It let him pretend that Hux would have offered him more than indifference, if given the chance – but in truth, Kylo Ren was learning better than to expect anything at all.

To be continued…


End file.
